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The Forgiveness Fantasy
Forgiving our abusers is not necessary
‘Forgive my clumsiness. I did not mean to step on your toes. Are you okay?’
In this kind request for forgiveness the receiver might answer:
‘No worries. I am fine.’
Forgiveness is a dialogue, with two people taking part — asking, giving and receiving.
‘I am sorry I raped you repeatedly during your whole childhood. I did not mean to. I loved you the best I could.’
Or:
‘I am sorry I could not love you, and that I did not protect and care for you, though I knew you were repeatedly raped by the man you though were your father. I am sorry I instead prioritized my own needs, wants and desires, and well, other things.’
‘I forgive you’ is the response to a heartfelt apology and request for forgiveness. If the apology is never made, the process of forgiveness cannot take place.
These requests for forgiveness have never been uttered by my stepfather or by my mother, of course. Neither did I hear a request for forgiveness from my real father, something like “I am sorry I did not care for your existence, though I knew about it, my happiness and…
